Saturday, October 16, 2010

Operation Ground and Pound

So I found a Thesis Generator a little while ago, and I thought I'd put it to good use writing about something... that sounds like something I'd write about. Anyway, without further ado, I present to you why core music sucks shit and metal is awesome. Note, I will not be talking about grindcore cause I don't mind it and most people can agree that Napalm Death is the shit.

In the beginning, there was metalcore. And that was okay. Killswitch Engage did a Dio cover song as a peace offering to all the metalheads and metal bands so as to not guarantee themselves a bloody, violent death, upon gaining popularity. All That Remains tried this shit with a Nevermore song, and they fucking butchered that shit, but it's OK because we give them points for trying. Then deathcore came out and ruined it for everybody. Then Attack Attack! came out and simultaneously dug a grave and filled it for themselves and their whole encompassing genre. And the hate which had been dormant for so long, boiled to the surface and exploded like Mount Vesuvius in 79AD.

Since then, it's become very apparent that core music is played by faggots with giant holes in their earlobes (to accomodate many large penises), wiggers, and idiots who think breakdowns are cool, while metal is played by guys with flowing locks, and who can play instruments and sing and generally sound like they have hit puberty. In the underground scene, metal = the alpha male, while everything else = the slime on the social ladder.

For one thing, Manowar is fucking metal. I do not think I need to add to this. If you think I need to add to this, you are not metal, and therefore should go back to wearing V-necks even though you have no tits, and stealing your little sister's pants.

The most important reason core music is played by faggots with giant holes in their earlobes, wiggers, and idiots who think breakdowns are cool -- while metal is played by guys with flowing locks, and who can play instruments and sing -- is because Whitechapel, Despised Icon, Attack Attack!, and other shitcore bands look like fags and their music sucks. You cannot prove me wrong. Fitted caps? Flip-flops? V-necks? All the same hairstyles? Pseudo-syncopated rhythmic strumming on open strings? What is this I don't even...

In conclusion, although Manowar is metal (we're sorry, but we're not), core music is just terrible, super shit. Fantastically shit, even. And metal fucking pwns core music in the face with its diamond encrusted cod-piece. For two main reasons: first, Manowar is fucking metal. That's a given. But most importantly, Whitechapel, and other shitcore bands look like fags and their music sucks.

The end. Any core kids offended can go home and cry about this, then go out and make real music. Any metalheads feeling empowered by this can go into the nearest forest and write some black metal. Anybody else offended can make sure that mister sensitives don't goes to crybaby's house for vacation.

Stay Brutal. \m/

Monday, August 30, 2010


... My blog of course. Because ads are totally not metal right? I mean, that would just be selling out and sellouts are assholes. Well, they're rich assholes, sure. But they're still assholes, and totally not metal. I'm not a sellout just because I have ads, right? Hell naw.

Ads are metal. I mean, how else are you gonna make money, right? Metal doesn't sell like that pop shit these kids are devouring these days. Then again, I'm not exactly making music, I'm just writing. So it's journalism, right? And in journalism, you can talk about metal and make money right?!

So therefore, my ads are totally not me selling out and in fact, me utilizing an effective marketing strategy.

Ha ha! Fooled again, Rules of Metal.


Sunday, May 16, 2010

No Mas Dolor

Rest in Peace, Ronnie James Dio.
(1942 - 2010)

Lost but never forgotten;
Your legacy will live on in our hearts and minds.
Till the end of time.


Sunday, May 2, 2010

Brokeback Mountain and Scene Kids

Note: the following is based on actual events. Only the names, places, and events have been changed.

Saturday night, three friends of mine went to a shitcore show at The Opera House. Terrible, I know. I don't want to name names, so let's just call these guys "Jason", "Samantha", and "Advait". I hadn't seen Jason in a while cause he moved last summer, so I got my friend Saad and we headed down to see him and meet his girlfriend Samantha.

Now, initially I was under the impression that these three were metal, but I guess I was mistaken. While in line, I proceeded to rip on everybody who walked by and everybody else in line. One guy was wearing a Bodom shirt, and I let him know that he was very likely the (second) manliest person there, despite looking as though his balls had yet to drop. Another dude was wearing a Nile shirt and warned him to prepare to be disappointed. Poor kids, they must have been lost.

The two most notable bands on the bill were Shitchapel and some other band that got its name from Brokeback Mountain. I'd like to say that they both arrived in their moms' minivans, but the truth is Shitchapel's moms wouldn't let them use their vans, prompting the band members to whiningly yell to their mothers that they "just don't understand death metal", subsequently leading the mothers to collectively laugh in a hysterical fashion, followed by them drowning their disappointments with their sons in their favorite spirits. So the band carpooled with the gay cowboys who, it seemed, had more luck.

Anyway, two hours in line, and aside from several would-be threatening looks through feathered, skunk-dyed, bleached, or black-as-night-with-blond-roots-showing hairstyles with stupidly long fringes, no one had mustered up the testicular fortitude to say a word to me. Did they seriously not care about their beloved shitcore bands? Seriously, if you pulled the kind of shit I pulled here at a Slayer show, you would be drawn and quartered. It would be brutal. But nope; not at these types of shows, apparently.

Even the band members look like fags. The bassist from Jake Gyllenhaal's band has two giant holes in his ears, so that he can accomodate the rest of the guys in the bedroom --should both his mouth and his ass be taken-- or, failing that, their moms' minivans. Not to mention he's a ginger. And the bassist from Shitchapel looks like fucking Shaycarl from YouTube. No joke; I fucking thought it was him! ...Insulting as that may be to Shay, whose smoking hot wife and two kids assure me he won't be taking it up the ass from anybody anytime soon.

So finally, the doors opened. We were shuffling in and I was trying to educate the guys on how to look like idiots in the mosh pit (read: hardcore dance), but I was failing miserably so I told them, with a sweeping gesture towards the group of scene kids who stood just behind us in line, to "just ask these kids; they'll show you."
Cue more dirty looks.

One of the girls in the group looked like she had an accident with a nail gun at the Home Depot, and seemed as though she was about to cry, when I performed my coup de grĂ¢ce; I asked aloud to no one in particular why the fuck I was even standing in line for such a concert, pulled out my ticket, set it on fire and left it to burn on the floor as Saad and I walked away to the roaring sounds of laughter from the guys amidst the distraught sobbing of everyone else.

A brutal job well done.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Under A Glass Moon

I think the neighbors are going to call the cops on me very soon.

Every day there's what sounds like an air raid siren going off in my apartment, and then the sounds of loud, frustration-laced profanity when that fucking crystal glass won't shatter. One day, though, one day.

One day, I'm going to set off a kataklysmic chain of events. Windows will shatter, car alarms will go off, glassware will be reduced to deadly shards of airborne deadliness. Fishbowls everywhere will not be safe. I will cause a global catastrophe. The loudness of it all will be overwhelmingly brutal.

Earthquakes will occur, tides will rise and fall unpredictably, California will sink into the ocean and Atlantis will rise up from the depths again.

It will truly be fucking metal. One day.
But first let's focus on the one glass.

On a side note, last night's episode of LOST was FUCKAWESOME.
SOME BITCH EXPLODED! NO, SRSLY. Anyway, more from me some other time.
Cheers. \m/

Monday, March 29, 2010

Locke and Load

Today's Random Metal Thought doesn't really have much to do with metal, apart from the analogy about locks which are literally made out of metal.
So I thought, that's kind of brutal, right?

Some guy I know was pissed that a chick can ask any straight guy for sex and she will get it, but on the other hand, if a straight guy asks a chick for sex, she will turn around and get all conservative, claiming that she doesn't want to be a slut.

So I gave him this analogy;
A key that opens many locks is called a master key.
A lock that is opened by many keys is a pretty shitty lock.
He cried and wondered if I was the Messiah.

Also, I'm sure by now you've probably realized this post has nothing to do with LOST's beloved John Locke. Maybe tomorrow, after the new episode airs, I'll post something.

Till then!

Friday, February 12, 2010

Congratulations Are In Order!

Today someone told me they saw Goatse for the first time. And it was through my blog. This blog has finally accomplished something!

Something brutal. \m/

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Dark Tranquilli/b/

Swede melo-death pioneers Dark Tranquillity have a new album cover (pictured here) that looks like Goatse. I'm sure by this point you all know what Goatse is, so I'm not going to bother explaining it. If you're "12 years old and what is this" i dont even... Just click the link. Yep. Welcome to the internet, boys and girls.

Anyway, I thought it was pretty fuckin' metal because I mean, a little gore (if it can be considered that) is always metal! See Cannibal Corpse or even some black metal albums (Dawn of the Black Hearts anyone?) for proof of that.

Fuckin' brutal if you ask me.