Thursday, December 17, 2009

Not Brutal

It has come to my attention that I have got to seriously lay off the "\m/". I've done it so much the "M" on my keyboard is beginning to wear off. I also tend to end a lot of my posts with "Brutal."

It seems to be getting kind of excessive (and brutal) and as such I will not be ending this post with "Brutal."

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Sons of Northern Ice Rinks

Nothing puts you in the spirit of winter quite like Black Metal.

I wonder if Norway's ice hockey team uses Black Metal to open up for their games... That'd be metal as fuck.

Looks like I'm going to Norway next hockey season.


Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Nightfall in Middle-Earth

I don't give a shit who you are, or what you say, Lord of the Rings is fucking epic. And when you think about it, so are German power metal legends Blind Guardian. Hence, legends.

It seems only natural to me that two legendary things should come together and be more epic than can be processed in an entire human lifetime, which is why I believe Blind Guardian declined the offer to be included on the Lord of the Rings official soundtrack. Because it would have been way too epic for anyone to tolerate within their mortal (unlike our beloved Guardians') lifespan.

I wonder if declining actually made them more legendary...

If they had been included on the LOTR soundtrack, people would have drilled holes in their skulls and tried to scoop out gray matter in order to give their brains some space with which to comprehend the epicness of it all.

And that would have been bad because people would have died. And more people dying means less people buying records and attending shows. At the end of it all, if Blind Guardian were to stop making money and in turn music, it would result in a metal catastrophe not even the Mayans could predict.

Now hurry up and release your shit, assholes.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

TOTAL BRUTAL! \m/ \m/ \m/ \m/

It seems to me that a generally-accepted rule amongst metalheads is that the more horns follow behind a statement or band name, the more metal it is.

Brutal. \m/ \m/ \m/ \m/

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Evisceration Plague

I just may have found a use for Black Metal fans' elitism.

Any person who got into metal because of Guitar Hero, including you (yes, you) should be apprehended by the tr00 ones who will wish to eviscerate you with the giant nails on their leather vambraces and hang you by your entrails on your mother's front porch and then burn the church down during your funeral proceeding.

And that's just for not liking black metal.
They don't even know what the fuck Guitar Hero is.

They're too kvlt for that shit.


Friday, September 25, 2009


This year, October is kicking off with a steel-toed army boot.
DragonForce and Sonata Arctica at the same show: FUCKING EPIC.

Look out scene kids, ROCKTOBER's here to kick your asses and it's pumped the fuck up on motherfuckin' speed metal. Brutal.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Wield them in the pit!

Today, I came across a flyer for some shitcore band's signature BOXING GLOVES.

The slogan, as it were, states "Wear 'em in the pit!", because you don't look stupid enough throwing fucking punches and spin-kicks in the air like you're fighting a legion of some goddamn invisible adversaries without wearing boxing gloves.

I think real metal bands should start promoting their own branded axes and swords. I can see it now: "Wield them in the pit!"

That way, those homocore enthusiasts can put their boxing gloves to good use, and metalheads can systematically purge the world of them at the same time.

Nothing like proclaiming the glory of metal while embedding your axe in some hardcore kid's skull. Brutal.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Seven Are The Sins

I just spun Maiden's Seventh Son of a Seventh Son for the seventh time today.

Fucking metal.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Leather Rebel

You know you're fuckin' metal when you have enough shirts from one band to last you a good week.

It's pretty brutal when your wardrobe consists only of band shirts. And especially if they're tour shirts, and you were at the shows, and they're soaked in sweat, blood, and some unknown substance you noticed as you were leaving the venue but haven't cared to wash off for fear of the novelty wearing off.

What the fuck is that shit anyway? Do I really want to know?

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Break You

Maybe I'm just in a pissed off mood, but I really want to fucking crack somebody's skull in. I don't normally listen to very much death metal, but lately I've been in the sort of mood to beat the living fuck out of somebody and I need to channel that energy positively. So I do so with death metal. My current favorite is Miseration.

In any case, my metal thought for today is about a story that came out a while ago. Allegedly, Phil Fasciana, the guitarist from Florida death metal band was involved in a real-life shoot-out when he walked into a convenience store to buy some chocolate milk (which I fucking love) and realized it was being held up. He was shot at a couple of times, hit the deck, and when the gunman wasn't looking, snuck up behind the fucker and disarmed him. When the bastard reached into his sock to pull out another gun, Phil shot him twice in the motherfucking head, point blank.

The dude's head must have exploded and he must have been covered in blood. That's fucking brutal. I don't know if it's true or not, but at least we know what their next new song's going to be about.

Nothing more metal than a real-life experience with absolute brutality.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Electric Madness

You know what would be metal? Playing a show in an open field during a thunderstorm. You're pretty much guaranteed free pyrotechnics with all the lightning and electrical equipment, and if your guitarist's pickups are active, he can literally play until his strings melt.

Plus, what the fuck is more brutal than playing or attending a show where you're potentially putting your life in danger? May as well put on a suit of armor while you're at it. And wield a sword.

Everyone loves swords.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Blizzard Beasts

I just noticed my not-brutal air conditioner wasn't working.
So I put on some Immortal, and my place cooled right the fuck down. It's like the grim, wintry, frostbitten plains of the North are right in my room!

That's fuckin' brutal.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Christopher Lee

Christopher Lee is hands down the most metal actor out there. Not only was he in Lord of the Rings, which is established to be fucking metal in and of itself, but he also sang with fucking Rhapsody!
How brutal is that?

Alright, admittedly not very. But metal is not all about being brutal. You can be epic, too. That's the way I prefer it, anyway.

I know it's possible to be so brutal it's epic, but I wonder if the opposite is true.

Now that would be brutal. \m/

Sunday, July 5, 2009


You know what would be metal? Scattering your own ashes.
How fucking brutal is that?

Someone has to figure out how to do that and get back to me.